These words are transcribed without permission the way they appear in the "My Early Burglary Years" album. There are no variations between the printed lyrics and what Morrissey actually sings in the studio version.

How many times have I been around?
Recycled papers paving the ground
Well she lives for the written word ¹
And people come second, or possibly third
And there is no style, but I say well done
To the girl least likely to

Deep in my heart how I wish I was wrong
But deep in my heart I know I am not
And there's enough gloom in her world, I'm certain
Without my contribution
So I sit, and I smile, and I say well done
To the girl least likely to

Page after page of sniping rage
An English singe or an American tinge
There's a publisher she said in the new year
It's never in this year
I do think this but I can't admit it ²
To the girl least likely to

So one more song with no technique
One more song which seems all wrong
And though the news is bad again
See me as I am again
And the Scales of Justice sway one way
In the rooms of those least likely to

Deep in my heart how I want to be wrong
But the moods and the styles too frequently change
From 21 to 25 ³
From 25 to 29 ³
And I sit and I smile and I say well done ³
To the girl least likely to ³

One more song about The Queen
Or standing around the shops with thieves ⁴
But somebody's got to make it! she screams
So why, why can't it be me?
But she would die if we heard her sing
From the heart, which is hurt

So how many times will I shed a tear ³
And another stage averse to cheer ³
When you shine in the public eye, my dear
Please remember these nights
When I sit in support with a dutiful smile
Because there's nothing I can say

So chucking and churning and turning the knife
On everything, except your own life
And a clock somewhere strikes midnight
And an explanation it drains me
If only there could be a way

There is a different mood all over the world
A different youth, unfamiliar views
And dearest it could all be for you
So will you come down and I'll meet you
With no more poems, with nothing to hit home
Darling it's all for you
Darling it's all for you
Oh Darling it's all for you
Oh Darling it's all for you

 

² On the 1992 Your Arsenal tour, Morrissey changed this line to "We do think this but we cannot say it to the girl least likely to" or "I do think this but I can never say to the girl least likely to". He occasionally changed the lyrics from first/singular to first/plural, switching 'I's for 'we's in other lines of the song as well (for example: "but we say well done to the girl least likely to").

³ In live performances of this song on the 1992 Your Arsenal tour, Morrissey rearranged some of the verses, losing these six lines in the process. After the "But the moods..." lines, he jumped to the "When you shine..." line and followed that verse with the "One more song about The Queen" verse, then resuming with the "So chucking and churning" verse, to the end of the song.

⁴ Morrissey has changed this line to "Standing around the shops with chips" on a few occasions when the song was performed on the 1992 Your Arsenal tour.

Quotes

In a 1990 interview for The Face, Morrissey said "['The Girl Least Likely To' is about] that friend you have who really believes in the imminence of her success yet secretly you know it's never going to happen for her"

In a 1998 interview to KCXX radio, he was asked if the song was about a particular person, and answered "Yes there is and it was quite terrible for me because this person listened to the song and immediately knew and a terrible fight ensued. But that was many years ago and... but still... quite interesting. I wish I'd been a bit more secretive though. But what the hell! You know..."